Welcome to Self-Improvement Thursday on Splarks.com! Although more critter tales are on their way, including an interview with El Chupacabra, this series is aimed at helping rock stars find inner peace. Today we’re visiting a problem from one of my (shush) favorite classic rock bands.

Good Morning, Robert! I’m pleased to meet you and I know we’re going to have a good session today. So what’s on your mind? Tell me why you’ve come to see me.

Wanna tell you about the girl I know
My she looks so fine
She’s the only one that I been dreamin’ of
Maybe someday she will be all mine

Love’s grand, isn’t it? You want to shout it to the world. But there’s something more on your mind, isn’t there?

I wanna tell her that I love her so
And thrill her with my every touch
I need to tell her she’s the only one I really love

Take a breath there, buddy! OK, so you need to work up the courage to express your true feelings, but you’re having a little trouble doing that. What’s been upsetting your plans?

I got a woman, wanna ball all day

I see. Passion is a wonderful thing, but it can cloud our intent and distract from the issue at hand.

I got a woman, she won’t be true, no

So we’re dealing with some trust issues, here, eh?

I got a woman, stay drunk all the time

Oh dear, there’s substance abuse on top of it? It must be very overwhelming, trying to deal with substance abuse, sexual addiction, and the inability to convey your deepest emotions.

I said I got a little woman and she won’t be true!

Er … yes, I heard you. But we need to get to the root of her infidelity and the reason that you’re allowing it - yes, I said allowing it, Robert, because despite how it seems, you are in control of your life. Can you think of situations in your life together that could be masking a deeper problem?

On Sunday morning when we go down to church
see the men-folk standin’ in line
They say they come to pray to the Lord
but when my little girl looks so fine

God can be your ally, Robert. What other people do or think isn’t so important - it’s when you close your eyes and listen to that quiet, still voice inside that -

In the evening when the sun is sinkin’ low
Everybody’s with the one they love
I walk the town, Keep a-searchin’ all around
Lookin’ for my street corner girl

Whoa! Robert, I think we’re dealing with something more serious than infidelity. On one hand, you two are going to church together. On the other hand, you’re acknowledging - and I’m just repeating what you said here - that you’re in love with a prostitute. Do you see what kind of a double life you’re leading? You’re pulling yourself in two different directions, one towards a clean-living life with your church, and the other towards a sordid street life of alcohol and illegal sex trade. I can see that you love this woman. Maybe you even feel responsible for her and don’t want her to get hurt. But ask yourself this: what are you getting out of this relationship? At the end of a long hard day of work, where are you?

In the bars, with the men who play guitars
Singin’, drinkin’ and rememberin’ the times

Right. And what’s the love of your life doing while you try to relax and get a little peace of mind?

My little lover does the midnight shift
She ball around all of the time

I’m gonna be straight with you, Robert, because I know you’re a strong person and that you can handle what I’m about to say. This girl is bad news. Relationships are all about giving and taking, and she’s giving and giving and giving in all the wrong ways. But what is she giving to you? You need someone you can trust, someone who cares about your needs and your feelings. You’ve tried hard to prove your love, but it hasn’t made an impression on her.

I guess there’s just one thing left for me to do
So I pack my bags and move on my way

That’s right! You deserve better. You’re making a statement right now: Hey Universe! I’m Robert Plant and I deserve the best that Love has to offer! I’m not settling for deception. I’m not accepting lies masquerading as love anymore!

Cause I got a worried mind
Sharin’what I thought was mine
Gonna leave her where the guitars play

You’ve got a plan, my friend.

Hey, hey, what can I do?

Walk right out the door and don’t look back. Walk towards your future, Robert.

Whoa, whoa, what can I say?

I have two words for you: Adios, chica. Keep me updated on your progress, Robert. We’re out of time for today, but I know you can take this important step towards a better life.

(Lyrics by Led Zeppelin, 1970)

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