El Chupacabra’s Rebuttal
El Chupacabra did not take kindly to my last entry. Poor Chupes – unloved, misunderstood, oppressed.
Dear Madam,
I was dismayed to read “Ode to Chupacabra” in your recent Splarks.com update. I protest the vilification of my reputation and defamation of my character, and request that you retract your statement unless you’d like to begin a costly legal suit.
Do you imagine that I like dining on the livestock of pensioners? I have co-existed peacefully with the creatures of the forests and deserts for thousands of years until your species decided that you needed ranches and million-dollar homes in my territory. Where am I supposed to go to get sustenance now that you have decimated my food supply? Previously, I dined on butterflies and wild desert roses. Although goat’s blood is a poor substitute for such delicacies, you cannot blame me for turning to the blood of small, caged animals.
As for making children cry, I cannot help it that you humans breed such stupid, easily-startled offspring. If your children are terrified at watching me feed, imagine how I feel watching them devour their McDonald’s and Cheetos. Really, shoot a video sometime and watch it with a hardened eye.
To address your unwarranted curiosity about my appearance, I do not have spikes or purple fur, nor am I fat. Your assumptions are offensive, and you have no business speculating about my looks. Your “cryptozoologists” can kiss my shiny green ass.
Lastly, I have applied to the American Embassy for safe passage back to Puerto Rico. As usual, your species brought me here without permission and changed my name. My parents named me Aquemilaxichi, but the best moniker you could fashion was “Goat Sucker.” I think that says far more about your species than it does me.
Sincerely,
El Chupacabra
P.S. Informed sources have notified me of your intent to make “Ode to Chupacabra” into a hair-band song. If you employ any washed-up Motley Crue wannabes, you can count on lawsuit #2.
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out of all the mythical, blood sucking creatures out there, the Chupacabra is almost certainly the sneakiest