Sometimes I just have to amuse myself by writing a dreadful story. The urge arises spontaneously, clawing to be released to torment others. This is why an early story of mine called “Lars the Pig with No Skin” is infamous among certain circles. The Chitin Kitten emerged from the depths of my mind because Dave, who likes to rhyme words unnecessarily, put the words together. Except “chitin” doesn’t actually rhyme with “kitten.” But what do I care?
Main Entry: chi·tin
Etymology: French chitine, from Greek chit?n
Date: circa 1839
: a horny polysaccharide (C8H13NO5)n that forms part of the hard outer integument especially of insects, arachnids, and crustaceans
Once upon a time, the Chitin Kitten reigned supreme in its feline-insectiod land. And then came the terrible day in which the Chitin Kitten fell through a dimensional hole into New York City. New York City was a dreadful place full of noise and loud fleshy things on two legs. The Chitin Kitten also had flesh but its flesh was encased behind a thin but strong wall of chitinous substance.
The Chitin Kitten thought, “Perhaps this isn’t so bad. The dominant species has no chitin and is weak and soft. I can stomp these ‘humans’ into submission! They will not be able to defend themselves against my exoskeleton glory!” But the Kitten’s evil plans of world domination fell shrieking to their doom when the Kitten encountered a peculiar group of entities known as “cockroaches.” They were full of chitin and had already laid claim to the city of New York. They were everywhere and multiplied incessantly, skittering on tiny but indestructible legs and influencing everything with their powerful but imperceptible collective consciousness. They were so disgusting that the Chitin Kitten leaped into the ocean and died, determined to never live in a world where such awful beings were allowed to roam free.
I wish Allie from Hyperbole and a Half would illustrate this. Read her blog about the Alot and the Emo Kid. Maybe you’ll laugh as hard as I did. Well ok, the Emo Kid only makes a cameo, but I love his scene with the Alot.
Also, vote in the comments whether you love the Chitin Kitten, or if you want will forever pine for your lost two minutes.
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