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	<title>Splarks Blog</title>
	<link>http://splarks.com/blog</link>
	<description>Short fiction involving marsupials, mad scientists, pez dispensers, good critters gone bad, irreverent behavior, unfortunate names, and existential crises.  Funny, bizarre stories and WTF humor.</description>
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		<title>Rockstar Betty vs. Opposable Thumbs</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Rockstar Betty was a weasel--a hardcore weasel-- and she was not about to take any shit from any punk-ass bitches who got between her and stardom.  It was tough out there in a man's world; a weasel had to work damned hard to make it to the top.  Voice lessons.  English lessons.  The endless hours of starving herself and getting her makeup done.  One particular evening when she found herself yet again spending another lonely night practicing her various poses (such as "Sexy Weasel" and "Tough Weasel" and "Thank-you-for-the-Grammy-dahling-Weasel"), her annoying younger brother poked his nose into her burrow... (Visit Splarks.com to read it all!)


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		<link>http://splarks.com/blog/2011/10/05/rockstar-betty-vs-opposable-thumbs/</link>
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		<title>When Pigeons Get Lawyers</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Eunice the pigeon did not live a glamorous life, but unlike most of her peers, she was determined to rise above her dreary roost in the parking garage’s concrete rafters. She didn’t mind the exhaust-filled space, or even the laughable “pigeon barriers” around her nest. “What I crave,” she lamented to anyone who’d listen, which in this case was her sister Barbara, “is to create a legacy, a memoir of avian city life and one pigeon’s brave quest to rise above the grit and grime and bring beauty and song to the world.”

Unimpressed, Barbara continued pecking at the cement traffic barrier. “So you want to be a storyteller,” she yawned. “Big deal. Pigeons have a billion of ‘em. I mean, Mom and Dad never shut up about the huge cicada they caught in ’06. Everyone’s a storyteller.”

“I want to be something different! I want to be … a writer!”  ....
Visit www.Splarks.com to read it all!


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		<link>http://splarks.com/blog/2011/09/16/when-pigeons-get-lawyers/</link>
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		<title>Self-Help Thursday: Sammy Hagar Tells Love to Piss Off!</title>
		<description><![CDATA[It’s amazing how many bad ‘80s pop songs are really about extraterrestrials.  The latest on Splarks: Van Halen's "Love Walks In." Crazy Splarks theory now backed up by the singer's words himself!  Awesome.


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		<link>http://splarks.com/blog/2011/04/14/self-help-thursday-sammy-hagar-tells-love-to-piss-off/</link>
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		<title>Supermarket of the Damned</title>
		<description><![CDATA[When Raymond committed suicide, he discovered that his vision of the afterlife was utterly incorrect.  He had assumed that his parents, teachers and all those assholes at his high school would attend his funeral in tears, wailing, "We totally should have been nicer to him! We are so stupid because we didn't understand his deep, deep thoughts!" while he'd lounge in heavenly bliss, surrounded by beautiful angels and goblets of nectar, saying, "That's right, bitches!"

Tragically, he realized his error as he sat in Hell's placement office ... (Visit Splarks.com for the whole story!)


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		<link>http://splarks.com/blog/2010/08/04/supermarket-of-the-damned/</link>
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		<title>Why Zebras Don&#8217;t Use iPhones</title>
		<description><![CDATA[“Marion? Oh, I do apologize, I was trying to reach … I'm sorry, what? A dating service, you say, for wild and frisky savanna mammals? Hmm … not that I'd be interested in such a thing, but if I were ...”  (This is an excerpt.  What exactly are those frisky mammals doing?  Visit splarks.com to find out)


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		<link>http://splarks.com/blog/2010/07/27/why-zebras-dont-use-iphones/</link>
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		<title>Splarks Hypothetical Press:  What the Writer&#8217;s Market is Really Saying</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Recently I went through The Writer&#8217;s Market, the famous directory of magazines and newspapers accepting freelance submissions. It was most educational. In the event of Splarks.com ever becoming an independent small press, I will craft and save the following entry for the Writer&#8217;s Market: SPLARKS PRESS Email: BegForConsideration@splarks.com. We review unsolicited submissions quarterly. During these [...]


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		<link>http://splarks.com/blog/2010/06/11/splarks-hypothetical-press-what-the-writers-market-is-really-saying/</link>
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		<title>The Chitin Kitten vs. New York City</title>
		<description><![CDATA[ometimes I just have to amuse myself by writing a dreadful story. The urge arises spontaneously, clawing to be released to torment others.  This is why an early story of mine called "Lars the Pig with No Skin" is infamous among certain circles.  The Chitin Kitten emerged from the depths of my mind because Dave, who likes to rhyme words unnecessarily, put the words together.  Except "chitin" doesn't actually rhyme with "kitten."  But what do I care?
(Visit www.splarks.com for the whole sordid affair)


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		<link>http://splarks.com/blog/2010/05/14/the-chitin-kitten-vs-new-york-city/</link>
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		<title>Why an orange would want to make a toilet explode</title>
		<description><![CDATA["You know," Dave says thoughtfully as we park in front of the library, "sometimes eating fruit really creeps me out."

"Why's that?" I ask.

My friends, I regret my innocent query. 
(visit www.splarks.com for the whole sordid story)


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		<link>http://splarks.com/blog/2010/04/30/why-an-orange-would-want-to-explode-a-toilet/</link>
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		<title>The Easter Bunny Don&#8217;t Rise from the Dead</title>
		<description><![CDATA[So I was driving and noticed some signs by the side of the road. One said “THE EASTER BUNNY” and the next said “DON’T RISE FROM THE DEAD.” Fascinated, I slowed and kept reading. I was beside a church, and it was urging people to come to Easter Sunday services rather than indulge in candy [...]


Related posts:<ol><li><a href='http://splarks.com/blog/2007/09/17/zombearo-and-the-brain-diet/' rel='bookmark' title='Zombearo and the Brain Diet'>Zombearo and the Brain Diet</a></li>
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		<link>http://splarks.com/blog/2010/04/02/the-easter-bunny-dont-rise-from-the-dead/</link>
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		<title>Top Ten Reasons Why I Stopped Writing Stories and Started Making Lists</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Bloggers and journalists insist that people love to read lists.  I know several confirmed &#8220;list-o-holics&#8221; and to tell the truth, I am enamored of the bullet point list, myself.  Lists, particularly Top 10 lists, appeal to people with short attention spans,  to those who want relevant information without all the filler words, and to those [...]


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		<link>http://splarks.com/blog/2010/03/12/top-ten-reasons-why-i-stopped-writing-stories-and-started-making-lists/</link>
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